Sacrifice
by Yuriku
Summary: Some times you have to sacrifice for someone you love... Might add more chapters some day, but for now it is under Completed status. !Errors like grammar mistakes have been fixed!


_**Sometimes you just cant stop who you are... and it means being mess and only failure and oh how I truly know it... Well this short fan fic is related once again with my own life like " I will find you"... dont like dont read I really dont care, I wrote this story to let everything out. And well... enjoy? Or not.. it is up to you. R/R if you want also..  
**_

_**Till the next time.  
**_

_**Dolf~  
**_

_**( And whatever you do try to do your best - there is nothing more painful than saying dissapointment in faces of people you care...)  
**_

_**18/10/2012  
**_

_**Also R.I.P someone who had suicide d, this is where humanity has came to.. People some times only start to care when it is to late.  
**_

_**10/10/2012 R.I.P I hope you will find peace whenever you are now.  
**_

_****__**Also I did not know that person, but I am sure half of world have heard about this person.**_

* * *

Perfect life, huh?

But things cant be perfect all the time, that I know, sometimes we just have to let some things go...So I let him go. I let man I loved more than anything in this world go.

Because I was not worth him... Magnus was everything I was not.  
He was attractive. He was amazing. He was fun. He was... caring about people, he was such a good hearten person, I just knew I was not worth him. I was nothing like him. I was just nerdy gay kid and I still am , that was even to scared to admit it. I never liked attention, never liked people noticing me. I liked more to stay inside of my house in my bedroom surrounded by books. That's who I am.

I wish I could have been different, someone more suitable for Magnus... not this scared pathetic kid I. Even when I was 18 one year ago I knew I was just stupid kid, always obeying parents, being perfect son they thought I was, I was nothing perfect...  
I was far away from being perfect.

Just lying and pretending - always helped, pretending to be someone I never was...I was oldest of the Lightwoods. I had to be perfect, take care of my siblings when mother and father were away, which was always.  
I had to be strong one, not showing emotions, not letting others know what I think, what I feel... That s who I was. Alec Lightwood someone - anyone could talk to whenever they needed. Until I met Magnus...

He was everything I ever wanted to be...

Everything I would never be able to be. He was not scared to tell others his opinion, look differently and still feel perfectly fine in his skin. He was magnificent, he was perfect, he was smart. He was everything I was not. And I saw it. When I met him I finally opened my eyes and saw life – saw its real colors. And it was not life I lived before and thought I was happy with – I destroyed all walls around myself and let Magnus in. Let him know real me... probably that is one of the reason I know I had to let him go. He saw what I was, I might have been pretty as he had said, but I was nothing inside, just breathing, moving, functioning human being.

I was alive yet I was not.

I simply went to school, did homework, helped parents, ate dinner, slept. But really it never meant that I was truly living. It was simply routine I took every day. It is just something I did every day - without thinking, because that`s what I always did. Really, it is like brushing my teeth, I simply do it without thinking. It was because I knew that it was what I had to do. I would wake up every day knowing what it will bring.

When I went to bed, I never really looked towards next morning, because in the end I knew what it would be like. It would just be in a way it was day before and before. Same routine. Going on and on...

It was just my life...  
Just usual same routine.  
Do homework, help parents, help siblings. Be perfect older brother, even when I knew I was not. What else could have I done? When there was no one I could talk to. I had siblings, but it was not same... They were my siblings... so they had to listen to me and stuff...  
And I simply never found a person that I trusted.  
And Izzy with Jace again were my siblings, so they had to listen to me, right?

I never had friends, for me it just never worked out. No matter how hard I tried to fit in— I never did. Not just because of my style, taste in music or even orientation. It was just... well I never found anything to talk with other people.

Sometimes I would pretend that I care about what they have to say, and they simply would do just the same. Pretend.

They would pretend they care about what I have to say. There was times I would go out with "friends" but I always knew that they didn't care about me. Well in the end I never cared about them either.

It is just all pretending to be something else, something I was not, and never was. There was times I tried to be a little more like Izzy and Jace. The way they carried themselves with confidence - confidence I never had. It simply made everyone turn around and look at them, admire them.

Jace and Izzy found friends easily, I was always one trailing behind. I liked it - not being noticed, but well there was part in me that did want to be noticed. There might have been times when Izzy and Jace would drag me with them to lunch and introduce me to their friends, but really what was the point of it?  
I never found what to talk about with them, even when at first I did pretend about being interested in what they had to say or what they liked and disliked.

But in the end I gave up. Really.. what is the point of pretending to be something else? Something I never was. Pretending to like something I never liked, pretending to care about something when I actually never cared about. I was simply lying to myself, not to others, because they never knew real me, they only knew what I made up. They knew fake me.  
And that is the point of it? It never brought real happiness to me anyway...

So what was the point of it? Of all pretending.  
Simply there was none. If I was different from others, I simply was. I could change who I was, what I believed in, what I hoped, what I liked and disliked. Yes, I knew I could have changed my appearance, but really what was the point of it? Just having nice front "mask" of pretty creature without anything real. I was simply who I was..

And there was nothing I could have done about it. All I could is get over it and try to love myself just the way I was. Or at least try to anyway...

But that was before I met Magnus.  
When I met him, I wanted something more. Something new. Something I never experienced, Magnus was like fresh gust of wind, like bright light in my dark life, light I reached towards to. I wanted to be something more, I wanted to change to become better person for Magnus because he was worth it. He was worth it so much. So much more.  
But who was I joking?

I am Alec. I am not perfect I cant be perfect...

But, Angel I tried.

I really did... I knew what I had to do. For Magnus, he was not something that should have not been hidden. It was like hide sun in the sky – never possible. I knew I had to tell my parents what I was – that I was not their perfect son, they thought I was. And I had to do it for Magnus.  
Magnus simply was such an a big impact in my life. He was person to know real me...  
When I went to bed at night, I would always ended up looking towards next day. Because I simply knew Magnus was there for me, loving me, caring about me, being with me.

And I had to do same. I had to show how much I cared about him.  
If he was happy – I was happy. If he was sad – I was sad. I knew it because I simply loved him, and you cant face sadness in face and eyes you love. You just want them to be happy. That's all I wanted.

I told parents who I loved, I knew what consequences I might face.  
And I was right when I said I was gay, all I saw in my parents face was disappointment.

Pure heart ripping disappointment.

They finally realized I was not someone they thought I was I was.  
Not a strong, perfect son.  
I was scared, nerdy gay son – they never thought they had.

I was far away from being son they thought I was. They never looked at me same way – heck they never really spoke with my any more. I woke them from their peaceful and perfect dream.  
In the end I moved out to live with Magnus, he never asked me why or even something like it. He simply knew what I felt at that moment and was there for me when I needed him most.  
Everything was fine for time being, but in the end I realized just how different we were, he was party boy. Magnus loved attention, loved meeting new people, loved throwing those crazy parties of his. Loved to be able to stand out.  
While I still preferred to sit in front of fire place and read a book. We were just to different. Like sun and moon so close but at same time so far away. Million miles away.

I noticed how Magnus would smile when he saw someone singing and performing on television, how his eyes would sparkle and then I would see that distant look in his eyes, like he imagined himself being there on stage singing.  
I for a while tried to ignore it.

I know I was selfish bastard, and I wish I was not, but it is just me. But in the end I started to feel like I was holding Magnus back from his dreams, even when he never said anything about it. I just knew. I felt like he was missing out something else by hanging out with me.  
And I never wanted him to miss anything he wanted to do, that is why I knew I had to let him go.

And deep down I knew we could not be together, because Magnus deserved someone better than me.  
It scared me at first knowing that there would be day when Magnus would find someone else who was better than me, but once again I was selfish.

I wonder if there is anything good in my after all.I always wondered what Magnus found in my because I never found anything in myself that I thought was worth Magnus there was simply nothing in my that was worth someone like Magnus. And I knew I was holding Magnus back, I knew I had to let him go.

So that's what I did.

For a week I tried to pretend and act colder towards him, even when it ripped my apart from inside I tried to act calm, because I knew I had to let Magnus go.

He had a dream to follow, dream I often founded him drifted in.

Magnus of course noticed change in my when I would stay away for long times from apartment, only coming back to sleep, since I didn't had anywhere else to go. Back then.  
But in the end I started to stay out at nights also, just laying on parks bench staring up at stars in the sky and knowing I was hurting someone I loved, but I knew Magnus would forget me with time, I was nothing really to remember in the end.  
Just a confused boy Magnus met in his life. That's what kept me going, knowing Magnus would be fine and knowing he was going be able to follow his dream.  
Final day I told him that I did not love him any more, even when I loved him more than anything. I kept my head high blinking away tears that were treating to spill out of my eyes and saying good-bye to man I loved more than anything.

I knew I had hurt Magnus and it was killing me even more, but still I lifted my bags and left without looking back because I knew tears were running down my cheeks, and knowing that if I turned around Magnus would know I was only pretending...

So I left my reason of life, knowing he will find his future he longed for so long.

I didn't want to be in a process of ruining something great.  
Like I always was.  
It was just story of my life, ruining everything that was great, and I did not want it to happen to Magnus, to look up to his face some day and know it was my own fault that man I loved more than anything never reached his dreams.. I knew it would have killed me.

After seeing parents expressions - disappointment, sadness I did not want to face same emotions on Magnus beautiful face. He was just to perfect to face something like that.

Izzy at least my sister and Jace half brother, were there for me.  
Izzy let me stay in the apartment she had brought, since I was no longer allowed anywhere near my younger brother Max, probably because of what I was. Which meant I was not allowed anywhere near Institute.

To some extent I was able to get used about being alone.  
I got used to not be expecting phone calls from Magnus, because I was the one that walked out.  
Also having nothing to do at nights. Well I did get used to it. So I just did...well there was nothing else I could have done.  
I never expected Magnus to turn around and look at me with open arms. I knew that probably Magnus hated me, but there was nothing I could have done, to change it.  
I did it for him – even when I know I was never going to love anyone as I loved him and still love I knew he was going to be fine, knowing that he was going to move towards without me holding him back.

Even when small sounds of him have been replaced by silence – he was and always be there in my heart, I would do anything to protect Magnus, and even when I know he doesn't want to see me ever again after what I did, I will always be there in shadows watching out for him, that was at least what I could do...  
There was no one else left for me, I was never allowed to talk with Max again, nor even take a step in Institute, and Izzy with Jace already had their life`s, and I was not kind of person that would be third wheel for them, all I could do now is at least make sure someone I love – even when this someone hates me now is safe and happy.

I have given up on happy ending – but it doesn't mean Magnus had, without me I knew he was going to be able to go on and find happy ending he deserves and someone who deserves him, even when that someone is not me. I am not worth him, I never was. And I will never be...

Even after so long now...

I know I made right decision, even when there is memories echoing in my head, about him, with no one to share them with, but I hold those memories they are dear to me.  
For a while when I was with Magnus I was happy, truly, absolutely happy it was first time in my life when I never pretended to be happy because I was simply happy.  
I knew and still know that Magnus was happy also, but he was not truly happy because I kept him away from his dream.  
Before we were couple there was times Magnus would talk to me about how he wished to become singer and sing on stage, but it meant moving somewhere else to different place, to music school which was far away, and I knew I could never do that, I was coward I hated different places where I didn't know anything, where I didn't know places where I could hide, what people avoid. I was coward and I still am, I destroyed my own life and I never could bring myself destroying someone's else.

And I was right Magnus found his perfect future, he found his dream.

After one year and half I can hear Magnus voice on radio and on MTV I can see him. Even when it is not Magnus I knew without make up and fancy clothes, it is still him.

He finally reached his dream, at least I know now for sure I did right choice.

Some times you have to sacrifice for someone you love, so that someone you love can be truly happy and enjoy life.

So here I am now in room with lights dimmed and door locked, as I spread his pictures and photos on the floor, I blow dust off of our past.  
I let it all come flooding back, cause even when I pretend that I don't care any more and that I don't love him any more I am simply lying something I always hated to do and it is hard, it is not easy being strong. I can see pictures of Magnus and some other man and God it hurts, I tried to rip magazine I saw picture in once, but what for? It was my own decision.

I did what I did. Why should and how could I be mad on Magnus? For moving on.

I was the one who left not him. So I just surrender to pain and memories - I have myself a night to remember everything we had.

After while I turn TV on at same time hoping to see his perfect face and at same time being scared to see it, but well first option wins. I want to see him even when it is only flat TV screen, I know I should forget about what we had, but I cant.

Magnus had taken my heart and that's all I can do - remember and look from distance, maybe he have even forgotten me. Probably he has – probably Magnus realized how selfish I was, and is happy that I left.

And he is there on TV all magnificent and glorious like something inhuman – something to perfect to be human.  
I hear reporter asking Magnus about his love life. I wonder why would someone ask something so private, but Magnus says he really doesn't care about love life much, since well as he said there is many people who wants him. Surprising? It makes my smile for some reason, how could someone not wantht him?  
And Magnus says there is no one he really loves. And God words hurt more than physical pain, but there is nothing I can do. I am worth all those words, because of how I did hurt him. Even when I am heartbroken I am happy knowing Magnus is fine and being able to move on. Tears are spilling from my eyes, falling down, but I know I am worth them, because even when Magnus is happy and in his dream now, he was hurt back then.

I want to scream until no sound comes out, I want to make time go backwards so I never had left Magnus that night, but I know I am being selfish which makes me even more sick of myself.  
There is pills on night table I want to swallow them all and go to sleep, so I wont need to pretend every single day that I don't care and how I am sick of myself, but I know I cant do it. I know, it would only bring pain to Izzy and Jace and Max even when he probably have forgotten about me. I don't think about my parents anymore because I was only disappointment to them. Something they should never brought to this life.

So I just swallow sobs and try to hold on, knowing I did at least something good in life for once, knowing Magnus can have his happy ending.  
His dream.

Even when I don't want to live any more, to face another day underneath the shadows of mistakes I made, live underneath lies, lies that is all my life now.  
Even when I am breaking inside, I cant do this at least not now, I have to pretend I am happy and smile so my siblings would not have to worry about me and would be able to reach towards their own dreams, since there is no dreams to reach for me, I cant let it happen to people I care.

Life is just this way for me and I know it is how it was meant to be.

I destroyed my own life.  
But I should never allow them get their life's destroyed because of me.

I don't care about my life any more because those wounds in my will never heal they are to real. To deep even when it was me who made them.

Nothing to gain, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own, and the fault is my own...

His song starts to play on MTV.

"And how high can you fly with broken wings?"

I hear him sing in beautiful simply angelic voice and it makes me start to cry even more, because I asked myself same question so many times I would lost count of just how many times.  
I am sobbing mess now with puffy red eyes, sunk in cheeks and sickly pale skin, paler than it was normally, but I no longer care. I am simply hopeless. I so do wish I could be better person, but it just not me whatever I try to do I always mess up. But I try to tell myself that leaving Magnus was good choice I did for once in my life, even when it hurts so much, I know if he had stayed with me he would never have been able to reach his dream, I would have done something once again to hurt him to stop him from reaching his dream, that was who I was.

I have lost the will to live, because there is simply nothing to live for any more.  
Knowing that Magnus is safe, happy and well loved, even when he says he doesn't love anyone I can see look in others mans face I saw on magazine and I know that man loves Magnus deeply... I know Magnus is fine, and that`s all I need.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep, because in the dreams I am with Magnus and it hurts to much, knowing it is only dream.

Oh Please God Help Me...  
Funny how I feel so much but can not say a word, I am are screaming inside but can't be heard.

I throw glass of water across room without even thinking and it crashes into wall - small broken pieces falling all around apart, and for a moment I imagine it is my heart. Falling all around...

I feel like somehow I have to let all emotions out, and I see guitar at the end of room probably Jace left I pick it up. And try some chords sound is peaceful and beautiful, but it makes me even cry harder. I start to sing something out of my head while closing my eyes and imagining he was here with me. Even when I know I am being pathetic.

_Wenn ich bleiben sollte  
Ich würde nur im Weg sein  
Also werde ich gehen, aber ich weiß,  
Ich werde an Sie denken jeden Schritt des Weges_

Tears are freely running down now crashing around, but I don't even bother wiping them away I simply let my fingers hit notes and hear chords, without doing anything I let myself imagine and simply sing, even when I never did it, it helps somehow...

_Und ich werde dich immer lieben_  
_ Ich werde dich immer lieben_  
_ Du, mein Liebling, du_

_bittersüße Erinnerungen_  
_ Das ist alles, was ich mit mir nehmen werde_  
_ Also, auf Wiedersehen, bitte, weine nicht_  
_ Wir beide wissen, ich bin nicht, was Sie können, müssen Sie_

I wonder where all these lyrics came from I never heard anything like this, and I am not even thinking about what I am saying I just let all emotions be free, and they make words, itself, at least it helps...

_Und ich werde dich immer lieben_  
_ Ich werde dich immer lieben_

_Ich hoffe das Leben behandelt dich Art_  
_ Und ich hoffe, Sie haben alles, was Sie schon davon geträumt_  
_ Und ich möchte mich bei Ihnen, Freude und Glück_  
_ Aber über all das möchte ich dich liebe_

_Und ich werde dich immer lieben_  
_ Ich werde dich immer lieben_  
_ Ich werde dich immer lieben_  
_ Ich werde dich immer lieben_  
_ Ich werde dich immer lieben_  
_ Ich, ich werde dich immer lieben_

_Du, mein Schatz, ich liebe dich_  
_ Ooh, ich werde immer, ich werde dich immer lieben_

I take deep breath and put guitar down, somehow I feel slightly better- maybe like Magnus once said singing really does help your soul, maybe he was right after all...

I crawl under covers in bed fully dressed, I shiver even when it is warm outside I am freezing inside for so long...

I wonder if really I could chose to say goodbye and leave for once, but before I can think much I feel myself drifting away in dreams I no longer seek.

But before I close my eyes I whisper into empty night..

I don't know even why I whisper it, but I feel sound leaving my lips..

_I'm not worth any tears.  
_

_...  
_

_Es tut mir leid  
_

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**So yea I was wondering how do you get Beta reader because I have zero clue what to do...**


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